1994 North Myrtle Beach.
First year of tour. Thursday through Sunday, 7 rounds. Southern Geezer catches group “hawkin’ balls” from water. Mike Abt disappears in woods. Adam Rosen gives new meaning to “improved lie.” Kerry & Abt bumped from flight home; 3-hour cab ride through “Mayberry” to Raleigh. Tournament Qualifying year.
1995 Myrtle Beach
Expand to Wednesday pm through Sunday, 7 rounds. 5 hours sleep, everyone exhausted, Mark Wolf nearly hospitalized upon return. “Perio-burger” coined by Wolf. Vietnam Vet Terry Demara shrieks at site of “biggest fish he’s ever seen;” turns out to be scuba diver. DeMara is comped by employer Kerry Levin, then quits upon return. Harry Burstein throws dinner tantrum. Elimination year.
1996 N. Myrtle Beach
Expand from Wednesday am through Sunday, 7 rounds. Year of the Huge Breakfast Buffet, with Dave Kanarek holding up group for “before and after” bowel movements. Kerry Levin misses premier “Tidewater” round with scratched corneas. Dave Kanarek becomes first official Meisters winner. Exhausted from 7 rounds in 5 days, several members return home sick.
1997 S. Myrtle Beach
Bob Socol, No. 1 seed, stuns group by repeatedly grounding club in sand. Jeff Davis and Socol turn in early each night to spoon. Nick Lygizos premature lightning panic shortens Litchfield round. First ever rainout at Willbrook. Scent of “Confederate Jasmine” and hot clam chowder from slave at Caledonia. Mad dash from The Witch to make flight home. Nick Lygizos’ first championship.
Record-setting 8-rounds, including TPC Sawgrass Sunday afternoon. Unique “Ravines” course site of first afternoon scramble. Kerry Levin dines w/2 Internet blind dates. Mark Wolf confuses southerners by requesting a “scoop of tuna” with every meal. Stu Sorinsky’s first and last year. Group almost misses Monday am flights home. Rookie Dan Lustig edges out veteran Jeff Davis to win.
Kerry Levin forgets pajamas, sleeps naked, to roommate Keith Mellovitz’s delight. Jeff Davis leads field trip to fullcontact
Mons Venus, where waitress quotes prior patron’s line, “Quick, I need a lapdance – I left my wife and kids at Taco Bell.” Mark
Wolf, against Meister’s protocol, flies home early for bat mitzvah. Dan Lustig slides from first to last place. Great Keith Mellovitz-Ken Hoffman showdown in the final round; Hoffman wins first title.
Wrong “Brecks” directions from toothless southerner. Wholesale, $299, while-you-wait dentures advertised everywhere. Infamous “My Mammy” dialogue by Mark Wolf. Nightly restaurant fights divides group. Ken Hoffman shows poor prioritizing and misses 1st round for son’s school play. Driving tour of downtown Charleston. Remnants of Hurricane Hugo, razed trees at Charleston National. First year of Nick Lygizos “Zachary” joke. Women from Deerfield found roaming downtown. Keith Mellovitz edges out Kerry Levin for his first title.
2001 Kiawah Island
Kerry Levin almost misses flight, plane held on runway, Keith Mellovitz pleads with pilot to get him on. Mama Alligator w/20 babies cross fairway. Nick Lygizos finds all Kerry’s lost balls. “Pinecone dump” by Kerry. 45 minute dinner drive to Brandy’s BB’Q fast food dump. Keith arrives at tee for afternoon scramble with “sunscreen giz” on chin, announces “I got the starter to let us on.” Incredible sunset scrambles each afternoon. Keith hosts Kerry’s “Wedding Shower.” “Mario” joke amuses all for 4th straight year. News from home: Anthony Lygizos knocked out, Gigi Levin has 7-month pregnant emergency
appendectomy: Nick and Kerry finish the tournament unphased. Dave Kanarek wins entire porno collection, Mark Wolf wins entire sweater collection as well as first Meisters title with group’s first ever “under par” finish.
The group frolics on the beach like the old guys in “Cocoon.” Caddy Bo for 2nd year, says, “The last time I saw 2-balls
that close together was on my wife’s chin.” Also, “That’s a Son-in-Law shot: pretty good, but not what I expected.” First-ever Meister hole-in-one on famed Ocean Course by Gary Merlotti. Rob Reisman redefines “birdie” by killing a seagull with tee-shot. Don Fishman and Harvey Schneider battle for record high finishes of 77 & 83 over. Noticeably absent: no Mario joke. Winner Steve Krug steals victory from Jon Kitei; then steals cigar cutter from Don Hoffman at Awards Ceremony, which was boycotted by last place finishers. Ryebread Cup to Citywide.
The group tours historic town in afternoon rain. Don Fishman sweeps porn flick films with nightly “high net,” then has to walk home down highway with porn flick from Captain George’s buffet after van leaves without him. Tensions mount at Golden Horseshoe over which tee to play from. Derek Landini nightly pimps, including jizzed door handle, cold room, &
blocked door. Rich Shulman embarrasses lame restaurant staff into discount dinner. Steve Krug boycott’s poker game over Kerry Levin’s drunken play. Harvey Schneider admits he has his own Titleist rep, and group coins famous Harveyisms:
- Where do I drop?
- Yep, driver/wedge
- Where’s the green?
- I hit my driver fine
- I maxed!
Rob Reisman beats Kerry Levin for his first victory; Citywide wails on Northshore to maintain the Cup.
175K miles on Citywide van; freezes up and nearly explodes at Slidel exit. Wanda the Waitress describes our 49 states plus 4 to Rabikah the Dominatrix and Citywide diners. Harvey’s errant drive hits local’s F180; driver tells him “That’s alwrite…I shoulda saw it comin!” Anti-gambling Martin Borhani becomes addicted to blackjack, studies in van, plays all night. Toothless guys in elevator amuse Rob/Kerry. Sumptous suite breakfasts and private cabana dinners. Keith hosts Divorce
Shower for Kerry, who then meets and dates Brandi. “Blackjack Incorporated” President Kerry, and Treasurer Don Fishman, earn investors 50% return in ½ hour while strangers cheer. Girl on girl grinding in Dance Club. Citywide folds, blows 5 point last round Ryebread lead, “robs” dollar store of “wife-beater” shirts, hand draws logos, awards them to Northshore. Northshore retaliates by having airline skycap apologize on behalf of American for Citywide’s tragic loss. Rookie Mark
Speidel wins jacket. Kerry, Rob, Stavros take flight bump and spend day touring New Orleans.
2005 Alabama Trail
Don-Kerry remove & haul van seat thru the airport. Jeri-Laurie-Nancy host Meister’s dinner at Wings. Jeri later comes to Chicago for weekend with Kerry. Tee-time mistake yields free replay on Legislator. Jeff Davis leads Porno-van parade
down highway. 20 year old waitress woos Fishman at Oyster Pub. Ken Hoffman dents 150 yard marker; Dan Lustig hits marker on ground with worm burner; Rob Reisman hits shortest drive ever-minus 3’. Krug amuses all with doggie, donkey, and bean can porn during 2-hour rain delay. Citywide strategies include recalibrating Nicks GPS system, and shaving Keith’s back. Fishman claims his 1st jacket in romp with 2nd ever under-par net finish, while Citywide avenges last year’s upset and reclaims Cup with final day thrashing.
2006 Hilton Head
Harvey-Mark squeeze up 18” stair daily to loft. Goldstick tries sleeveless entry to all courses, after lying naked in bed nightly. Kenny H trains “Rob the Rookie Bitch, with Goldstick/Zomack backups. Dan Lustig has Bill & Paula host entire group dinner on Daufuskie Island. Daily outdoor entertainment in harbour cafes. “Mario,” “Pirate” jokes again. Northshore reclaims Cup with contested 1-point margin, sending Stavros home early. Reisman retaliates by clearing restaurant with gas attack. Stick receives “Big Turf” award from Keith and Guy. Dan can’t shake Lustig curse; finishes last. Rich Schulman, playing inebriated to an inflated handicap, wins first green jacket while grounding club in sand. Kerry takes another flight bump for negotiated-bribed 4 rt tickets, spending night in Savannah with nurse wife of traveler. Keith screams timely “Kerry!!” to 30
people on speakerphone during Savannah cemetery tour.
Northshore forfeits with a no-show, as Citywide plays Bear’s Best, Rio Secco, and Cascata in the first bye-year in 14 years. Kerry gets group’s first-ever Double Eagle, and Rob picks up Chad at poker tournament to take to Celine Dion concert while others play poker. Mark Speidel and Harvey finally don’t share a room, as huge “Rainman” suite at Caesars has plenty of space for all.
Sumptuous rooms and food at Foxwoods, including Saturday concert of Brad Garret from “Raymond.” Generous golf gifts donated by host Scott Rider, including $100 Calloway gift certificates. Cold, rainy weather causes a missed round, but Lake of Isles North and South courses are magnificent.
Group heads out in first-ever driving tour through 4 days of rain, turning heads as they pull up to exclusive Crooked Stick in the “Funmover” RV. Disappointing Kentucky Derby, where Churchill Downs turns out to be a dump in a lousy neighborhood. Rob pays girl to strip to her underwear and slide through the infield mud. Martin loses chapstick in
porta-potty at Valhala, but reaches in and finds it; offers to others to use. Martin edges out Rob in Green Jacket playoff at Lost Marsh upon return, after Citywide takes cup 15 to 9.
2010 San Diego
Despite selecting location for it’s guaranteed weather, tournament is played in cold and wind. After one too many “short” jokes, Woldorf leaves early for little league game, Jose joins. Don walks off course in disgust. Last round, 36 holes played into darkness. Fun evening excursion to Padres game. Excon friend of Rob/Harvey/Mark joins group for dinner, afterward, several wallets missing. Jack Feinberg prevents a repeat by Martin, takes the jacket in protested scorekeeping. Northshore over Citywide for the Ryebread Cup, but no one can figure out who was on which team.
Trip changes from New Orleans, Ft. Lauderdale, Biloxi, Atlantic City, W Virginia, Connecticut, Cincinatti, Louisville, til 3 days before trip a flooded Ohio River transfers us to Tunica. Spurs need to beat Grizzlies Wed. before departure to force Friday skybox game, trailing by 3, tie it with .4 seconds left, win in overtime. Private Beechcraft Hawker jet from Palwaukee, leave house at 8:20, arrive in hotel at 10:20. Great sunny, warm golf days, despite area bracing for worst flood since 1930’s from cresting Mississippi River. Grizzlies (8 seed) beat Spurs (1 seed) in exciting game downtown on Beale Street. Driver can’t find Spring Creek, and pressure of leading into day 3 causes Spidey to projectile vomit outside clubhouse. Group declines “Tunica Museum of Lynching” tour, sees Graceland instead after great Commissary Germantown Bar-B-Q. Martin coins the phrase, “Good Ole-fashioned Lynch-O-Q.” Undecided Tournament, final playoff at Lost Marsh in Indiana, Citywide takes back the Cup after final day 6 point sweep, and Martin/Don tie for green jacket, requiring a playoff at next year’s Meisters.
Group pampered again with private Gulfstream from Palwaukee, two pilots, attendant, and 9 guys (8 golfers and PGA rules
official Harvey.) Two stretch limos to and from Mount Airy Resort to airport, and personal weather-enclosed golf carts waiting daily in valet. Rookie John Irwin gets tick imbedded in chest, and since other newcomer Bob Larsen is a medical mal attorney, docs Don and Martin refuse treatment and send him to gift shop to get tweezers and do it himself. Group razzed by Andrew Dice Clay; Harvey nicknamed Tennis Ball Head, and Bob confesses he had to sleep with Dice to get front row seats. A repeat of Biloxi “Kerry Incorporated,” with blackjack partnership yielding 100% return to investors after scary early slide. Spidey slips into restful coma on plane after massive dump over Cleveland; Rob tries to put plastic bag over his head but he comes to in time. Despite record setting low temperatures (one round at 42 degrees and windy, WCF of 24,) Citywide mounts valient last day effort to overcome 5 point deficit to retain the cup, only to fall 1/2 point short to an
overhandicapped Northshore. Martin Borhani wins 2011 Meisters in first day playoff with Don Fishman, then repeats performance with a four day, below par showing, making him the greatest champion in Meisters history with 3 Green Jackets. After failing a post tournament urine test, Borhani, who most likely will not be invited back, loses title again to Jack Feinberg.
2013 Atlantic City
John/Don stay at Kerry’s night before to prep, almost miss flight after showering together. Pampered again on Falcon from Palwaukee, 2 pilots plus Jen. Perfect weather, great golf course selection by Harrah’s host. Rookie Shapiiiiiro plays all 4 rounds inebriated, sets Meisters urination record with 12, peeing shamelessly on way from green to tee in front of strange foursome. Bob, Doug, and Rob get ripped off by Jersey cabbie en route to late evening entertainment. Doug takes porno for all 4 rounds. Sara Silverman Saturday night claims to achieve orgasm by pooping in her pants, but missed by Irwin who ovennaps because of all-nite party in penthouse with latin babes. Rob stuns field with last day 39 on front nine to win his second green jacket. Final valiant effort by Northshore to overcome 5.5 point deficit falls short due to Citywide MVP Don carrying team to regain the cup.
2014 Las Vegas
Masters two weeks earlier in Augusta; amazing course and event. Meet and hang with Rocco Mediate, then Police Escort into Augusta. Rocco learns blackjack from the boys, and Bob and Martin become life partners. In Vegas, 3 of the finest courses ever; Rio Secco, Cascata, and Southern Highlands. Forecaddie Amanda distracts all. Anthony Cools Hypnotist blows us away….Derrick volunteers but fails to relax. Earnest band players, hard-on guy and woman laughing at it, “Burning Ring
of Fire” anal pain relieved by scooting along floor, girl who forgets #2, sex with chairs while auditioning for porno.
Gender changed guy sucking beer bottle on girl. Hand held orgasm for everyone. Penn & Teller Show fails to impress. Butler served breakfasts and dinners, insanely posh limo rides everywhere from 14,000 sf. Palazzo Suite with 3 whirpools in every room. Derek gives Bachelorette party tour of suite before Rob “teaches them to play blackjack.” The only player to get any sleep, Bob Larsen wins his first green jacket with record-setting 17 under, followed by #2 Harvey in best tournament of his life. Northshore takes back Ryebread Cup after miserable performance by Kerry, who fails to take a point, and Martin, who sweeps daily last place porno trounce the Reds, where drugged up Maisa falls asleep in ballpark. Although Derrick overdoses on $400 seafood appetizers, the group relishes another sumptuous steak dinner at 19 while Hawks force a game 7. Saturday’s first ever 3-day close out of the Ryebread Cup by Northshore, and Bob Larsen’s “lot’s of sleep” strategy earns him his second green jacket.
Rob’s tittie-hugger shirt prompts Bob to say, “Does your son know you’re wearing his shirt?” First row seats to great Chicago concert. Derrick wins Green Jacket after unsettling Don in final round showdown. After trading Kerry and Derrick to them, Northshore takes the Ryebread Cup.
5 hours before departure, miracle rerouting from flooded Lake Charles to Belterra. Beautiful Maisa stewards the private Challenger’s 45 minute flight. Group cancels 2nd row Thursday tickets and miss Cub’s Arietta no-hit the Reds, but watch the Hawks force a game 6 in playoffs. Kerry lap dances Harvey in limo en route to see Lester.
2017 Lake Charles
Private jet from Midway; steep climb sends Arnie into irrecoverable motion sickness; spends entire flight prone. Stays on
plane while group gleefully checks in, eats, and gambles; doctor brother Don not sure where he is? Course rained out, group buses to alternative Grey Plantation for opening round. Exhausting all-niter leaves group drained except for Arnie,
chipper and rested after ordeal. Lavish dinners, huge buffet breakfasts in magnificent suite. After celebrating his birthday, Mike Abt trains daily for triathalon in lazy river, slamming past helpless children. Engine light on causes flight home to be grounded; group stays another night in luxury while new plane is flown in. Huge Chinese restaurant gorge-fest banquet honoring rookie Dave Crawford’s green jacket victory, handed to him when leader Don walks off final round, leaving
Northshore cruising to a 17-10 repeat Ryebread Cup victory.
The group returns to Mount Airy, with slightly improved golf course and vastly improved weather. Korean host So
suffers repeated tongue lashings by Kerry for not handling trip details, while Don berates table games personnel and demands to see gaming board representative. Kevin and Martin defend Larry Nassar gymnast abuse actions, while Bob hits from rock after shortest tee shot in Meister’s history. Dave delights restaurant by donning bikini shirt, and Don makes it to 13th hole on 3rd day before walking off. Despite debilitating eye infection and distracting arguments with table game
personnel, Northshore captain Kerry leads team to record 5th straight victory, while Mike Abt celebrates 55th birthday by winning his first green jacket in rain-shortened 3 day tournament
2019 Fort Lauderdale
Rock Star Gulfstream g550 jet, 12 passengers plus crew with Erica serving full dinners and endless cocktails. Smuggle Bob onto flight last minute as his major case settled, switch group to 3-3somes. Presidential greeting by 6 people upon arrival at Hard Rock. Rain forecast for entire week, but we get lucky and get in all rounds. Records shattered; Shortest Gaming Time with Most Sleep: Longest Dinner (3-1/2 hour culinary perfection at Council Oaks,) Highest Total Net (103 by Jose;) Highest Round Score (144 by Jose, even while teeing it up in fairways.) Rob comments it was like watching a german girl getting raped…..nein, nein, nein! Steve says his wife wasn’t happy about him going, to which Scott replied that his wife told him, “Get the f___k, out, and don’t call me from there!. 10 minute dealer overpayment almost yields Martin another $35k. Sex toy gifts big hit; massive penis finds its way into hot tub, stuck on Kerry’s mirror, and hanging from Martin’s shorts. Harvey thanks Kerry for actually shooting worse than he at Trump’s Doral Blue Monster (131.) Martin and Bob alternately clear elevator with after-dinner flatulence. Steve edges out Martin for his latest Green Jacket after 17 years, and Northshore pounds Citywide again, almost closing it out after 3 rounds.